How to Say “No” and Influence People

March 3rd, 2012

Life is busy.

It seems even busier these days.

Money is short, time is precious. We rush around trying to fit everything in.  It’s easy to spread yourself too thin, trying to make sure that everything is done and that everyone is kept happy; the kids, your partner, your friends, relatives, colleagues, clients, the boss, the house, the payments!

Whichever way you turn it seems that something else is on the list.

Do you ever say “No” to others?  Do you ever say “Not now?”

In my therapy practice, I see a lot of clients struggling with boundaries. Boundaries are everywhere in life. They are the limits by which we relate to our world and to other people.

Boundaries can be thought of as guidelines; as the rules that you as an individual person create, and which you consider to be permissible and appropriate ways for others to behave around you according to your life style and choices.

Many, many, people struggle with boundaries in their lives. It’s often only when life becomes chaotic that we even stop to consider them.

I am reminded of the story of the old man, the boy and the donkey. It goes like this:

Once upon a time there was an old man, and a boy. They had a long journey ahead of them across mountains and rivers, through villages and countryside.

They had a donkey to help on their journey.

They set out early one morning; the old man sat on the donkey whilst the boy walked beside them.

When they reached the first village to take a rest, they heard people saying

“Look at that poor young boy having to walk whilst that man sits on the donkey!”

So when they left that village, the old man put the boy on the donkey and walked by their side.

When they reached the next village to take a rest, they heard people saying

“Look at that lazy young boy sitting on that donkey whilst that poor old man has to walk!”

So when they left that village the old man and the boy both sat on the donkey and continued their journey.

When they reached the next village to take a rest, they heard people saying

“Look at that poor donkey- straining under the weight of those two people!”

So when they left that village the old man and the boy both walked along-side the donkey and continued their journey.

When they reached the next village to take a rest, they heard people laughing and saying

“Look at those fools – they have a donkey to ride and yet they choose to walk!”

So when they left that village the old man and the boy lifted up the donkey and carried it themselves.

As they walked across a rickety old bridge, they couldn’t hold the weight of the donkey any longer and they collapsed into the river.

They all drowned.

The moral of the story is – you cannot please all of the people, all of the time; because if you do you will sink and drown!

When life is frantic it’s easy to fall into a pattern of saying “Yes”, “OK Yes”, Yes I can” ,”Yes I will”

We do this with people in our lives and we do this with tasks and with work situations.

Always remember that BOUNDARIES=RESPECT

Ultimately we cannot please everyone because each person is different and their needs will clash and conflict.

As we try to please everyone we forget about our own needs. Our self-esteem plummets, we feel stressed and overwhelmed.

We get less respect from others, even those who are well meaning people. We are giving them a message that we don’t respect ourselves so they simply follow that message.

If your life seems chaotic it’s a great idea to look at your boundaries. Learning to say “No” in a level-headed and negotiated way will make immediate and significant changes for the better.

The best way to approach using boundaries is in small steps. If you have been running around saying “Yes!” to everything and everyone for ages, you will find that suddenly saying “No!” will only lead to conflict and confusion because people won’t be expecting it.

However if you start practicing your boundaries in small steps,  you will find this to be invaluable and as you become more confident in yourself, so others will follow.

Accept that you cannot be all things to all people.

You are a wonderful being; a loved and loving being.

Give all that feels right for you.

Receive all that feels right for you.

Be content that you do your best, and that that is good enough.

And most of all enjoy this journey.

I have developed a useful worksheet on boundaries for you to print out and fill in. You can download it from here:

http://www.marleneroseshaw.com/iloveWorksheets/BoundariesUse.pdf

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A New Year – Every Starfish

December 31st, 2011

It is 2012. A New Year!

What are your plans for this coming year?

Do you have hopes and dreams to aspire to?

Have you made New Year’s Resolutions?

Recent years have been somewhat tough for many people; with global level recession filtering down to individuals, it seems like most people have been affected in some way.

We have been witness to devastating evidence of climate change, species lost, carbon emission excesses, greed and materialism.

The media is full of doom and gloom. Negativity abounds.

In recent years there has been a growing call for change; authors such as Neale Donald Walsch suggesting we forget outmoded attitudes that simply don’t work and that we should start a “Global Conversation for Humanity”.

Barbara Marx Hubbard has described a new world view in her book Conscious Evolution; calling for people to recognise that we are affecting our own evolution through everything we do – for the first time we have the power to choose the future of our planet!

People are often reflective at this time of year. We say goodbye to the old year and resolve to “make good” in the new. We think of ways to improve our own individual lives and to contribute to positive changes on a social and a global level.

We start off with all good intentions but sometimes we can become lazy and we can allow sceptical thoughts to creep in.

“What can I do really? - Does this recycling really make a difference? - Does buying Green really matter? - Surely just by me using less petrol isn’t really going to change the world?”

I am reminded of the story of the Little Boy and the Starfish by Loren Eisley.

It goes something like this:

Once upon a time an elderly man was walking along a deserted beach. He came upon a boy surrounded by thousands and thousands of starfish. As eagerly as he could, the boy was picking up the starfish and throwing them back into the ocean.

Puzzled, the older man looked at the young boy and asked, “Little boy, what are you doing?”

The boy responded without looking up, “I’m trying to save these starfish, sir.”

The old man chuckled aloud, and queried, “Son, there are thousands and thousands of these starfish and only one of you. What difference do you think you can make?”

Holding a starfish in his hand, the boy turned to the man and, gently tossing the starfish into the water, he said, “It will make a difference to that one!”

 

Be assured that we each can make a real difference to our world.

It is time, now, to make changes.

We are small in our universe. Our universe is infinite.

All that’s required, is for each of us to make our own small contribution, and in the natural flow of things, our universe will take care of the rest.

Wishing you all a Happy New Year

With Love and With Bliss

Marléne Rose Shaw

 

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A Conscious Evolution

December 31st, 2011

Barbara Marx Hubbard is a prolific futurist, social innovator, speaker, author, educator and leader in the new worldview of conscious evolution.

Conscious Evolution


Conscious Evolution describes us as a generation of choice. We now have the ability to affect our own future.

Due to the increased power given us through science and technology, we are learning how nature works – the gene, the atom, the brain. In fact we are affecting our own evolution by everything we do.

With these new powers we can destroy our life support systems … or we can move toward a hope-filled future of immeasurable possibilities.

We are the generation of choice but we do not have much time to choose. We must be aware, and we must take action

Conscious Evolution is the worldview that has arisen precisely at this moment in history to deal with the new human condition.

It is a vision and a direction to help us navigate through this transitional period to the next stage of human evolution.

A new place of consciousness is required.

In simple terms Conscious Evolution takes place when we intend to grow in consciousness and use our increasing awareness to guide our actions and achieve a positive future.

This book  is full of stunning insight and spiritual motivation. It is now time to make changes.  Barbara Marx Hubbard takes her deep insight into our human potentials for conscious evolution and envisions social architecture for more fully conscious societies.
I would highly recommend this book for anyone interested in a new world view.

Purchase from Amazon – CONSCIOUS EVOLUTION: Awakening Our Social Potential

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The True Spirit Of Christmas – A Challenge

November 21st, 2011

 

Time has flown and Christmas is fast approaching! As each year passes I become increasingly aware that several clients view this time of year with apprehension and foreboding. Christmas in itself seems to only add to the issues that they have brought to counselling.

They will often describe being depressed and just having to “get through” the Christmas holidays.

People feel disheartened by constant advertising in the media which encourages self-indulgence and greed. They feel upset that this time of year seems to have become about commercialism and about people trying to buy each other’s love with expensive and often wasteful gifts.

Over the years clients have cynically described to me their sense of disgust; at watching people in supermarkets overloading shopping trolleys with so much food that some of it will inevitably go to waste!

They despair at children being given more and more technology to babysit them; whilst their parents neglect to teach them the true value of family, love, respect, sharing and charity.

I have to confess that I have had these negative thoughts about the Christmas period too.

What has become apparent to me recently is that we all seem to be looking to others to provide this “True Spirit of Christmas” for us

We look outside of ourselves and we complain about “what the world is coming to!”

But the fact is that we all live “within our own lives.” Our own universe, our life, is what we decide to make it, for ourselves.

It is a well known fact that you cannot change other people. You can however change yourself and you can change how you respond to other people and situations.

Buddha said ”

All that we are is the result of what we have thought.” The mind is everything. What we think we become.”(563-483 B.C.)

That was a very, very long time ago. Since then so many spiritual leaders, philosophers, guides, enlightened people have given us the same message.

YOU can choose your own experience.

My challenge then for all of us this year is to take some personal responsibility for our own experience of Christmas.

Don’t focus, negatively, on all that waste, and commercialism that you witness going on in the world outside of you. Instead decide to experience the True Spirit of Christmas for yourself.

Regardless of others, choose to be generous, to love, to be charitable, to be quiet, to contemplate and to care. Choose to be grateful, oh so grateful for all that you have!

Turn away from judgmental thoughts of other people’s greed and be a role model by your own behaviour.

To ignore the negative and choose the positive can in itself be a part of your personal spirit of Christmas. Rather than seeing Christmas as a time you have to “get through”, embrace it as an opportunity to remember who you truly are; a loved and loving being.

I challenge you to go on this journey.

The True Spirit of Christmas after all, lies within your own heart.

A Very Happy Christmas to you all

With love and bliss

Marléne Shaw

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Story – The Little Soul and The Sun

November 18th, 2011

I came across this story and it warmed my heart. I want to share it with you all. Its about forgiveness, and not hanging on to bad stuff from the past. It is called

The Little Soul and The Sun

Written By, Neal Donald Walsch.

Once upon a time, there was a little soul who said to God, “I know who I am.”

And God said, “That’s wonderful! “Who are you”?

And the little soul shouted, “I am the light!”

God smiled a big smile. “That’s right!” he exclaimed.

“You are the light.”

The little soul was so happy, for it had figured out what all the souls in the kingdom were there to figure out.

“Wow” said the little soul, “this is really cool!”

But soon, knowing who it was, wasn’t enough. The little soul felt stirrings inside, and now wanted to “be” who it was.

And so the little soul went back to God and said,

“Hi , God! “Now that I know who I am, is it okay for me to be it?”

And God said,” you mean you want to be who you already are?”

“Well” replied the little soul, “it`s one thing to know who I am, and another thing to actually be it.”I want to feel what it`s
like to be the light!”

“But you already are the light,” God repeated, smiling again.

“yes , but I want to see what that feels like!” cried the little soul.

“Well” said God with a little chuckle,” I suppose I should of known. You always were the adventuresome one.”

Then God`s expression changed “there`s only one thing…”

“What?” asked the little soul.

“Well there is nothing else but the light. You see I created nothing but what you are, and so, there is no easy way for you to experience yourself as who you are, since there is nothing that you are not.”

“Huh” said the little soul, who was now a little confused.

“Think of it this way,” said God “you are like a candle in the sun. Oh you`re there all right. Along with a million, gazillion other candles who make up the sun. It would be a sun without one of its candles … and that would not be the sun at all, for it would not shine as brightly. Yet, how to know yourself as the light when you are amidst the light – that is the question.”

“Well,” the little soul perked up, “You are God. Think of something!”

Once more God smiled.”I already have”, God said.

“Since you cannot see yourself in the light when you are in the light, we`ll surround you with darkness.”

“What`s darkness?” the little soul asked.

God replied,” It is that which you are not”

“Will I be afraid of the dark?” cried the little soul.

“Only if you choose to be”, God answered.

“There is nothing, really, to be afraid of, unless you decide that there is. You see, we are making it all up. We are pretending.”

“oh “ said the little soul, and felt better already.

Then God explained that, in order to experience anything at all, the exact opposite will appear.

“It is a great gift”, God said, “because without it, you could not know what anything is like. You could not know Warm without Cold, Up without Down, Fast without Slow. You could not know Left without Right, Here without There, Now without
Then.”

“And so, God concluded,” When you are surrounded with darkness , do not shake your fist and raise your voice and curse the darkness. Rather be a light unto the darkness, and don’t be mad about it. Then you will know who you really are, and all others will know, too. Let your light shine so that everyone will know how special you are!”

“You mean it is okay to let others see how special I am?” asked the little soul.

“Of course!”  God chuckled. ”it is very okay!” But remember, `special` does not mean` better`. Everybody is special, each in their own way! Yet many have forgotten that. They will see that it is okay for them to be special only when you see that it is okay for you to be special.”

“Wow” said the little soul, dancing and skipping and laughing and jumping with joy.”I can be as special as I want to be!”

“yes , and you can start right now,” said God.

“What part of special do you want me to be?”

“Well” God explained, “Being the light is being special, and being special has a lot of parts to it. It is special to be kind. It is special to be gentle. It is special to be creative. It is special to be patient. Can you think of any other ways it is special to be?”

The little soul sat quietly for a moment. “I can think of lots of ways to be special!” the little soul then exclaimed.  “It is special to be helpful. It is special to be sharing. It is special to be friendly. It is special to be considerate of others!”

“Yes” God agreed, “and you can be all of those things, or any part of special you wish to be, at any moment. That’s what it means to be the light.”

“I know what I want to be, the little soul announced with great excitement. “I want to be the part of special called `forgiving`. Isn`t it special to be forgiving?”

“Oh yes”, God assured the little soul. “That is very special”.

“Okay”, said the little soul.”That`s what I want to be. I want to be forgiving. I want to experience myself as that.”

“Good” said God, “but there is one thing you should know”.

The little soul was becoming a bit impatient now. It always seems as though there was some complication.

“What is it?” the little soul sighed.

“There is no one to forgive.”

“No one?”  The little soul could hardly believe what had been said.

“No one!”  God repeated.”Everything I have made is perfect. There is not a single soul in all creation less perfect than you. Look around you.”


It was then that the little soul realized a large crowd had gathered.  Souls had come from far and wide – from all over the kingdom for the word had gone forth that the little soul was having this extraordinary conversation with God, and everyone wanted to hear what they were saying. Looking at the countless other souls gathered there, the little soul had to agree. None appeared less wonderful, less magnificent, or less perfect than the little soul itself. Such was the wonder of the souls gathered, so bright was the light , that the little soul could scarcely gaze upon them.

“Who then, to forgive?” asked God.
“Boy, this is going to be no fun at all!” grumbled the little soul.”I wanted to experience myself as one who forgives. I wanted to know what that part of special felt like.”

And the little soul learned what it must feel like to be sad. But just then a friendly soul stepped forward from the crowd.

“Not to worry little soul”, the friendly soul said, “I will help you.”

“You will?” The little soul brightened. “But what can you do?”

“Why, I can give you someone to forgive!”

“You can?”

“Certainly!” chirped the friendly soul. “I can come into your next lifetime and do something for you to forgive.”

“But why? Why would you do that?” the little soul asked ”You, who is a being of such perfection . You, who vibrate`s with such a speed that it creates a light so bright that I can hardly gaze upon you. What could cause you to want to slow down your vibration to such a speed that your bright light would become dark and dense? You who move` s through the kingdom with the speed of your thought`s to come into my life and make yourself so heavy that you could do this bad thing?”

“Simple,” the friendly soul said. “I would do it because I love you.”

The little soul seemed surprised at the answer.

“Don’t be so amazed,” said the friendly soul, “you have done the same thing for me. Don`t you remember?

Oh we have danced together many times.

Through the eons and across all the ages how we have danced.

Across all time and in many places we have played together.

You just don’t remember”

“We have both been all of it. We have been the up and the down of it, the Left and the Right of it. We have been the Here and the There of it the Now and the Then of it. We have been the male and the female, the good and the bad , we have both been the victim and the villain of it.”

“Thus have we come together you and I , many times before, each bringing to the other the exact and perfect opportunity to express and experience who we really are. And so”, the friendly soul explained further, “I will come into your next lifetime and be the `bad one` this time. I will do something really terrible, and then you can experience yourself as the one that forgives.”

“But what will you do?” the little soul asked nervously,” that will be so terrible?”

“Oh” replied the friendly soul with a twinkle, “we`ll think of something”

Then the friendly soul seemed to turn serious, and said in a quiet voice, “ you are right about one thing, you know”

“What is it?” the little soul wanted to know.

“I will have to slow down my vibration and become very heavy to do this- not-so- nice thing .I will have to pretend to be something very unlike myself. And so, I have one favour to ask of you in return.”

“Oh anything  , anything!” cried the little soul, and began to dance and sing “ I get to be forgiving, I get to be forgiving!”

Then the little soul saw the friendly soul was remaining very quiet.

“What is it?” the little soul asked.”What can I do for you?” you are such an angel to be willing to do this for me!”

“Of course this friendly soul is an angel!” God interrupted.
“Everyone is!” always remember: I have sent you nothing but angels”

And so the little soul wanted more than ever to grant the friendly souls request.”What can I do for you?” the little soul asked again.

“In the moment that I strike you and smite you,” the friendly soul replied, “ in the moment that I do the worst to you that you possibly imagine – in that very moment….”

“Yes” the little soul interrupted, “yes..?” “Remember who I really am”.

“Oh I will! “  cried the little soul, “I promise!” I will always remember you as I see you right here, right now!”


“Good,” said the friendly soul, “because , you see, I will have been pretending so hard, I will have forgotten myself. And if you do not remember me as I really am, I may not be able to remember for a very long time. And if I forget who I am, you may even forget who you are, and we will both be lost. Then we will need another soul to come along and remind us both of who we are.”

“No we won’t!” the little soul promised again, “I will remember you! And thank you for bringing me this gift- the chance to experience myself as who I am”.

And so, the agreement was made. And the little soul went forth into a new lifetime, excited to be the light, which was very special, and excited to be that part of special called forgiveness.

And the little soul waited anxiously to be able to experience itself as forgiveness, and to thank whatever other soul made it possible. And at all the moments in that new lifetime, whenever a new soul appeared on the scene, whether that new soul brought joy or sadness…  especially  if it bought sadness… the little soul thought of what God had said.

“Always remember.” God had smiled, “I have sent you nothing but angels.”

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I had a lucid dream called Life

October 24th, 2011

I had a lucid dream called LIFE

And with it fell to Earth.

A snowflake rush

 of feather soft

Lost in new found birth

*****

A childlike bliss that found new eyes

And heard the chimes of rain

Through all of this, I fell,

to taste

That once what was,

was yet again.

*****

Revealed to me the sense of touch

As Light caressed my skin

And smelled the leaves

 atop of trees

A new life to begin

*****

And so I woke to find myself

Upon the planet Earth

Pearlescent child in new found skies

My life a new found worth

 

 

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On Learning From a Spider

October 15th, 2011

The first thing I saw this morning when I opened my eyes was a movement on the wall opposite my bed.

It was a spider, about 6 inches below ceiling level and it appeared to be walking on thin air.  Blinking my eyes and further focusing revealed the thin strand of web “he” had woven.

Somewhat like a tight-rope walker, this spider proceeded to cross the room, past the central light fitting and on towards my side of the room. I watched with fascination, urging him on to make it all the way to my side without breaking the web strand and plunging vertically.

Eventually, the spider reached my side of the room, above and to the left of my bed, still about 6 inches from the ceiling.  I felt such a sense of achievement for this tiny creature.  The spider was only, really, doing what comes naturally and had no cognition of its task, no thoughts of:

Ta ra! look what I’ve done!

However as a human being, observing this feat had filled me with wonder and admiration.

This leads me to think about all the achievements that we humans accomplish each and every day without even stopping to think about it.

We go about our day completing endless tasks. We navigate our way from one place to another, by foot , by public transport, by driving.  We complete household chores, look after children, look after ourselves, shop and cook. We work, seek work, volunteer or study. We do so many tasks outside of our awareness – all taken for granted.

As time passes we have goals, and successes under our belts.  Certificates, qualifications, work histories, projects we have undertaken, travels and adventures,  businesses, promotions and so forth.

Yet what often happens is that we take all this for granted. We forget all that we have achieved as we  focus on the next thing we “have to do”.

We become our own super critics.  Sometimes this is because of past relationships; we have internalised people and are constantly ready to judge ourselves, just as they did.  Sometimes we criticise ourselves because we follow a society that tells us we must do and be more, more and then more.

Certainly life is a gift; we are all creating beings and to enjoy the process of truly “living our lives” is wonderful.  We need to make the most of life appreciating this gift and using it to the best.

But why all the pressure?

I wonder, if that spider had been truly aware of  what he had accomplished this morning when he tight-roped across my room, what would he say?  If he turned round and looked back at the vast expanse that he had just traversed,  how would he feel?

We can so easily get caught in the trap of “ever achieving” until it becomes the norm. We forget that once upon a time we didn’t have that job, that child, hadn’t completed that course of study or training, hadn’t passed exams, or travelled, or volunteered or any of those things that we have done up to this point.

Next time you pressure yourself to achieve more, to attain more, to deliver the goods more, more and yet more.  Next time you think you are somehow not good enough, strong enough, clever enough and you are feeling stuck.  Just STOP.  Look back.

Stop and take a look back at all you have achieved today, in the past week, the past month, the past year.  Think about all the small achievements big achievements of your life.  Look back at the stepping stones and the problems you have overcome.  What have you done over the past ten years?  Who have you helped, what small hills and large mountains have you climbed?  What have you learnt about yourself, others, life?

In doing this you will find a great sense of your own power,  your strength and your fortitude.  You will see that we have different ideas of accomplishment at different times in our lives and that just like our friend the spider you have already traversed vast expanses !

So give yourself some appreciation; be kind to yourself, and most of all, enjoy the journey.

My new short eBook

 Overcoming Your Psychological Hurdles To Success is available here

It is also available on Kindle

Overcoming Your Psychological Hurdles To Success by Marlene Rose Shaw

Overcoming Your Psychological Hurdles To Success by Marléne Rose Shaw

My counselling website can be found at www.npcounselling.co.uk

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The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People – by Stephen R. Covey

October 14th, 2011

I first read this book about 9 years ago. I had been counselling for a few years and my good friend lent it to me. I wasn’t too sure that it was quite relevant to my work but as she had been so inspired, I thought I would read it.
What a treat!

This is one of those books that you can read right through but will often want to go back and pick at the chapters.
As the years have gone by and I have become more qualified, more experienced, more interested in the human condition as positive, older and wiser, I have revisited this book many times.

I have set up my own business, become self employed and I consider myself reasonably successful. I have of course been applying these 7 habits!

The seven principles Covey presents in the 7 Habits of Highly Effective People are not he says, original thoughts. He says he has simply to have found a framework and a language for articulating the time-less principles of effective people. Of success
Covey says that the 7 habits are to be found, in all the major world religions. He believes that these principles are so self evident that there is no argument against them
Covey’s view is that all highly effective people, and enduringly effective organizations, have utilised the 7 habits, to a greater or lesser extent, to sustain their success.
Covey sees these 7 habits as ‘common knowledge’ but, not necessarily ‘common practice’.
By our nature, we tend to react and behave within our own self interest. However Covey shows that we are also, human beings capable of much higher thoughts and actions and by working hard to internalize the 7 habits we are able to widen our horizons and gain a more proactive attitude. We can take charge of our own destinies and we are capable of exerting influence on other people for the collective good.
I recently read this book again and realised just how much it has inspired me.

You can get your copy here now!

Quotations
by Stephen Covey

Actually I did not invent the seven habits, they are universal principles and most of what I wrote about is just common sense. I am embarrassed when people talk about the Covey Habits, and dislike the idea of being some sort of guru.

Effective leadership is putting first things first. Effective management is discipline, carrying it out.

Every human has four endowments- self awareness, conscience, independent will and creative imagination. These give us the ultimate human freedom… The power to choose, to respond, to change.

I am personally convinced that one person can be a change catalyst, a “transformer” in any situation, any organization. Such an individual is yeast that can leaven an entire loaf. It requires vision, initiative, patience, respect, persistence, courage, and faith to be a transforming leader.

In the last analysis, what we are communicates far more eloquently than anything we say or do.

Management is efficiency in climbing the ladder of success; leadership determines whether the ladder is leaning against the right wall.

Most people struggle with life balance simply because they haven’t paid the price to decide what is really important to them.

Our character is basically a composite of our habits. Because they are consistent, often unconscious patterns, they constantly, daily, express our character.

The key is not to prioritize what’s on your schedule, but to schedule your priorities.

There are three constants in life… change, choice and principles.

We are not animals. We are not a product of what has happened to us in our past. We have the power of choice.

We are not human beings on a spiritual journey. We are spiritual beings on a human journey.

My counselling website can be found at www.npcounselling.co.uk

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Panic Attacks – you are not alone!

August 27th, 2011

In my therapy practice I see many clients who are suffering panic attacks.

On a personal level I have also suffered panic attacks in the past.  I am completely free of them now, but I can remember how debilitating they can be.

A certain amount of stress can be part of everyday life.  We all have times where we worry about some perceived stressful event, such as speaking in public or an upcoming job interview.

However sometimes that stress becomes overwhelming and we begin to suffer a sense of anxiety that takes over our lives.

Having a panic attack is a frightening experience. The symptoms are both emotional and physical. More or less all the anxiety symptoms are quite well known because over the years so many people have experienced panic attacks – though people tend to hide this, feeling ashamed to tell others.

The common symptoms of panic  are prolific sweating, ‘lump in the throat’, palpitations, twitching, dry mouth, chest pain and shortness of breath or wheezing, shaking uncontrollably or muscles seizing up.

( NB. Whilst these experiences are very synonymous with anxiety attacks, it is always important to visit your GP to eliminate any physical reasons for these symptoms. So please do so. )

Don’t be worried about visiting your GP, as I have said, panic attacks are much more common than people realise and your GP will have seen many, many patients who are have had the same experiences as you are having.  So don’t feel that you are different, or be embarrassed.

I cant say this too many times………  PANIC ATTACKS ARE VERY COMMON!

When people experience panic attacks (anxiety attacks) they often feel that they are the only one, that they are going mad, that there is something terribly wrong with them, that they should be embarrassed, that they are weak-willed etc.

The fact is that a huge percentage of people will experience a panic attack at least once in their lives.

The problem that occurs is what I call the “WHAT IF” experience. It goes like this…..

 

1. You experience a panic attack because you are under some stress, either current or from the past or a mixture of the two……………………..

 

2. It feels so awful, so terrifying, and embarrassing……………………

 

3. You think “WHAT IF” it happens again……………………………

 

4. Those “WHAT IF” worries induce another panic attack……………..

 

5. It feels so awful, so terrifying, and embarrassing………………………………

 

… and so a cycle of panic is formed. Most panic attacks are about panicking about panicking – they are quite literally a fear of fear.

The trick is to get to the root of what has caused you to feel so stressed in the first place.

CAUSES OF PANIC ATTACKS

Think about your current situation. How is your work, income, relationships, health etc? Are you still carrying some pain from your childhood? A past relationship? Do you lack self-confidence?

There may be some external factor that is causing your sense of anxiety; perhaps you are in a difficult and damaging relationship, or perhaps you are in the wrong job.

On the other hand there may be some traumatic incident which took place in your past which is the cause. Very often anxiety is caused by both of these. You may be in an unhelpful situation now, due to a lack of self-esteem brought on by past issues. Perhaps you keep getting into unhelpful situations because of the past and this just feeds your low self-esteem.

In either case counselling can help to alleviate and manage panic attacks. A good therapist will help you to look at past incidents, to express the pain and anger you feel and let go of all that hurt. A good therapist will also be able to help you to build your self-esteem and help you to make changes in your current situation.

Counselling offers you a safe and confidential space to speak freely and to explore your experiences so that you can make sense of your feelings.

 

My counselling website can be found at www.npcounselling.co.uk

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Is anger making you mad?

August 27th, 2011

In my therapy practice,  I often see people who are struggling to manage anger.  If you reach a point where you can no longer deal with the difficult situations in life,  you are likely to either: become very depressed, or become excessively angry.

When you are angry you can lash out mentally, verbally or even physically at the person or thing that you perceive to be the cause of your problem.

Anger is a natural part of life.  Some anger is not something to be worried about, it is not an abnormal state of mind but in fact is a normal and healthy reaction of the person’s mind and body to a certain situation that didn’t agree with them.

We would not have survived as a race if we had sat placidly whilst a wild animal came into our cave and stole our food!

However when anger becomes out of control it can be very harmful to yourself and to those around you. If your anger has become out of control it can result in loss of a job, loss of your home, loss of relationships and have many other detrimental affects.

A useful way to start managing your anger is to look at both the past and the present.

Firstly, consider, is there some deep-rooted cause? Perhaps there is something traumatic from the past that you haven’t dealt with. We can often find ourselves reacting in the “here and now” to something or someone from the past that has caused us great pain and sadness. Quite often we are not even aware that we are doing this. Maybe you get mad at your work colleague because he reminds you of a nasty relative but you haven’t made the connection?

Counselling is a great way to look at painful issues in a safe and confidential environment. In counselling you can speak your mind without fear of being judged. You can learn to become aware of past issues that may be affecting your life – today.

Secondly what do you do with your anger when it arrives? – often oh so suddenly and seemingly out of the blue?

Learn some specific behavioural techniques, such as recognising when anger is arising, and make a positive and clear choice to deal with it.
Practice some relaxation techniques, learn to meditate, watch your lifestyle habits such as drinking too much alcohol, poor diet or lack of exercise.

Again counselling is a great way to help make changes. A good counsellor will help you to look at unhelpful patterns of behaviour, and consider new ways of doing things. In counselling you can learn anger management strategies to help you manage your anger and be able to express your feelings without lashing out.

My counselling website can be found at www.npcounselling.co.uk

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